My fucked up week...

Oh man, a lot of shit has happened! Ok, so it all started last Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving. I went over to my parents house for the day because I was off work and school and because I wasn't going to see them on Thanksgiving day. I'm totally sick of going to multiple houses for holidays, so we decided to just do one family and since we were seeing my parents on Christmas eve and morning, I thought it would be best to be with his family for the holiday before. Ugh, we can't even just have everyone over to our place because his family is split up and can't be all together, so we'd still have to do two of anything... total pain in the ass. So anyway, I was going to leave my parents house to get home and make dinner for Daniel since he was at work and they asked if we wanted to stay, so I said sure and sent Daniel a text asking if he wanted to come over. He said sure, but he was going to go visit Craig first because he was in the hospital. Craig is our nephew, he's 18 years old. I asked him what happened and he told me he would tell me later. So he showed up around 8:30pm after we had already eaten and he wasn't hungry so we just hung out for a bit. Daniel told us all that Craig had gone into the hospital that day because he got a really bad infection in his arm and it was really swollen and he had a fever and it had become septic (bacteria in the blood). He wasn't doing so well, and it sucked because he was going to be there for the next few days and was going to miss Thanksgiving dinner.

So we leave my parents house around 10 and when we get home I get the real story. Turns out Craig got the infection from a dirty needle and has been doing heroin for the past few months!!! I knew the kid was a pot head, but didn't even dream he would do something like that. They had to run a bunch of tests and were going to keep him for about 10 days in the hospital while he got better and went through detox.

We went to Daniel's sister Amy's house for Thanksgiving dinner. She just moved in with her new boyfriend after a month of dating. She had broken up with her fiance of 7 years a month before that... she definitely works quick. We went to her town, which isn't the best neighborhood, but the houses were cute. Holy crap, all the houses were cute except for theirs. I felt like I was going to crash through their front porch or get a splinter if I touched anything... the place was an absolute DUMP! It's one of those houses that would have been sooooo cute if it was fixed up, but it was a complete wreck. Amy's other two kids were there, plus their two huge dogs in a tiny ass house. It was madness. As soon as I get in Erik, the little one who's 7 and obsessed with me screams and runs over and jumps on me. He's so cute, but he basically only wants to talk to me and pull me away from talking with everyone... it can be a bit annoying. So he's on me like a monkey and I say, "Oh, hey! Where's all your hair?!" It was buzzed off, and a lot shorter than he normally has it. He's like, "I had lice!" As he's rubbing and crawling all over me. Doesn't surprise me in the state that house was in, yikes! So we ate and hung around and the food was good... nothing special, all from boxes and cans, blah. They get a call from Craig saying he wants some leftovers, but then calls back about an hour later saying he's not hungry, he's been throwing up all day and he only wants some ginger ale, but he doesn't want everyone to come up, he just wants one person to bring it to him and then leave. So they're trying to decide who should go and the other brother Gabe wants to see him, but he wants to go tomorrow... after lots of arguing, I'm not really sure how it happened, but Daniel offered to let Gabe stay the night with us and we would go to the hospital that night, bring the ginger ale and then everyone would go see him tomorrow. I can't remember the logic as to why Gabe stayed with us, but whatever. No one bothers to ask my opinion. Gabe is a nice kid, he's 14 so I had no problem with him staying over for a night. Man, it sure is a pain in the ass to find somewhere to buy ginger ale on Thanksgiving night! It took us 4 places before we finally found somewhere open that actually carried it!

The next day I come home from work and Daniel tells me that Craig has hepatitis C from sharing needles with people. He's doing better, but not 100% yet. He's decided to go to rehab and is really excited about it and wants to get clean, so good for him. The next day I come home from work, Saturday night, and Gabe is there again. UGH! So I just went into my room and watched Netflix on my phone and went to sleep. I was so excited to come home the following day to a house all my own, I was off for most of the week so I could start studying for my 7 finals I have in the two weeks coming up... So I get home, go up the stairs and there is Craig on the couch. I was so shocked, I was just speechless. He was supposed to be in the hospital for another week! They let him out because his arm was healing and he had detoxed. So I go find Daniel who tells me that he's going to stay with us until he can get into rehab on Tuesday. I'm so happy that he cleared all this with me first... not ever a text message to give me a heads up or anything. But what can I really do. He had a meeting with his sponsor and was going to an AA meeting that night with the guy to decide about treatment and rehab and everything. So he leaves for about 2 hours and Daniel and I went grocery shopping. The reason he was staying with us is because Amy has some medications that he shouldn't be around and he has friends in the area who he doesn't want to deal with. He comes home from the meeting and says that his sponsor thinks it's best if he calls the next day to get into a rehab program and gives him a number of a place about an hour away. He's totally pumped about it and excited to go.

He calls the next day (Monday) and they ask him what he's been doing, has he detoxed, blah blah blah... turns out because he has already detoxed, they can't directly admit him and he has to do an assessment at the hospital to see if he needs rehab or just an outpatient thing and that the assessment will be in a week... A WEEK?!?! Amy came over in the afternoon, she wasn't concerned about the wait, Daniel's mom came over, and I thought for sure that she was going to be pissed about the wait... but she wasn't. We all thought his sponsor was going to flip out, but he said he had to do the same thing. Umm, hello?! I think I was the only person concerned here... if he can be off drugs for 2 weeks by the time they give him the assessment, I'm pretty sure they aren't going to admit him. So now, with Daniel not there, Amy and the mom are deciding where he should go and what Craig should do for the next week. Nice... I'm all ganged up on, and it's perfect in their eyes... for the next week, I only work one day, so I'm around all the time. How lucky... FUCK THAT SHIT!!! AHHHHH!!! I am in the most stressful period of school right now and I have to play babysitter!? They didn't want him staying alone, and since I had classes some of the days, Daniel's dad took him in the afternoon (he's retired so around all day), and he came back for dinner and to spend the night.

Now I know this is family and it's great that Daniel wants to help, but I think the thing that pisses me off the most is that no one ever asked me if I was ok with it... it was just assumed. I wasn't even given warnings or a heads up about anything. And now the thing that I'm worried about is that after his assessment on Monday, then what? I asked Daniel that last night and he got all mean about it and was like, "Sorry I'm trying to be helpful." We are helpful, but after a week, come on... he needs to go home. I told him that I feel like I don't have any control in my house. He said it would be the same if my sister lived with us (we had discussed her moving in next year since we have a huge basement she could live in), but it wouldn't because she would have her own space in the basement another bathroom and another TV. Seriously, if he plays video games another day for 8 hours straight on our only TV, I'm going to break the game in half.

We got into another huge fight today. They left to go to a funeral this morning, so I got up ate, watched a TV show and then started cleaning the bathroom. Daniel gets home with Craig and I immediately hear him start to bitch that the kitchen is still dirty. Umm, I'm in the bathroom cleaning, it's not like I'm doing nothing. So he's bitching and moaning and cleaning out the fridge and I come in and ask him what's up and he's ignoring me, so I keep saying what? what? what? And he just turned into a little bitch, "I clean, and contrary to what you may think, I don't like cleaning, and this is the 5th time I've cleaned the kitchen this week..." blah blah blah. So I ask what he wants me to do, he starts rattling off what needs to be done. Looks like I'm not studying much this afternoon. So I start walking to the bedroom because that seems like a great place to disappear to and clean and on the way I just snapped. I slammed the door so hard I though it was going to break. He yells not to slam shit and I just scream at the top of my lungs, "FUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKK YOUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!" That might actually be a great plan, make Craig feel uncomfortable so he wants to leave.... hmmmm. I sat on the bed shaking for about 15 mins, finally I took 2 valium and put on my music and started cleaning. Daniel's mom came over, I just stayed in the room even after I finished cleaning. Then they all left to go shopping. So long, thanks for letting me know where you were going and when you'd be back. I took one of Craig's cigarettes while they were gone and smoked it. Man, I miss smoking sometimes.

I studied a bit of anatomy, but I just don't feel like doing anything. I'm so fried right now, but I know I have to keep studying. All that's due is creeping up on me really fast, ah! So I'm going to pour myself another cup of coffee, and get back to it.

Marriage...

I see people post things on Facebook like, "My husband is so sweet, he..." or "I have the best husband in the world..." or "I love you babe, he..." But rarely do I ever think that. I makes me feel like I am missing out on a lot, that or people out there are faking it. Who knows, but what I do know is lately I'm more pissed or angry or frustrated with my husband than I am happy with him. All he does is bitch and whine and complain anymore, I'm so fucking sick of it!!! It has been like this ever since he graduated. He was happy and fun and I loved being around him back when he was in school, but ever since he's had to become a grown up and work full time he's a fucking grumpy old man!!! The first job he had he hated. We bought our house and were renovating it while living at my parents when he just up and quit. WHO DOES THAT?!?! I'm still so mad at him for doing that. Then, he was at Dillard's working with me for almost a year and then was fired... he says for nothing, but I have my doubts. Now, this job he's at, he liked it up until they moved him to a different account. On his old account he loved it because he would take about 10 calls a day and surf the internet or watch movies while he wasn't on a call. Now he's taking help desk calls all day and doesn't have any free time... basically he actually has to WORK now and all he does it complain about it! Awww, poor guy, you have to actually work... SUCK IT UP!!! And because of this, when he complains all it does is make me paranoid that he's just going to up and quit again... I wouldn't stand for that. I know he's 100% jealous that I get to work part time and that I'm going back to school. He says how he can't wait to go back and get his MBA, but he doesn't realize that it's going to be hard for him to get in. He thinks he's so smart, but his GPA sucked when he graduated! It was decent for a normal person, but for someone who wants a graduate degree, I'm pretty sure you need more than a 2.5. I had a 3.2 when I graduated and was paranoid I wouldn't get into my program. He can't stand me being in school.

He was never a touchy feely guy in public, but we used to have sex all the time and cuddle and be sexy... now, we have sex usually once a month. I used to try to seduce him all the time after the sex fizzled out, try to get him to do it most nights, but he never wanted to. Now that I'm on Zoloft, thank god it has killed my sex drive, because I don't care anymore. Maybe he should take some of my medication. He needs it, he was diagnosed bipolar when he was a kid... he needs to fucking lighten up!

I get excited thinking about starting a family, but in my opinion, once there are kids in this family, I'm invested for life. Once there is a kid, I'm stuck to him forever. I want to wait to see how our life progresses together, but I don't want to wait too long, I'm getting old fast. I think about a baby and how great it would be, and then he does something to piss me off and I think, ugh, do I want to bring a kid into this world around that?! With him?!

So let's sum this up, he resents me for going back to school, that my parents buy us lots of things and are giving us money each month and that I actually like my part-time job. I resent him because he has $30,000 in student loans (even though his Dad paid his tuition), that he guilted me into buying his mom's house so it wouldn't be foreclosed on, that he quit his job and we ran up MY credit card because of it, that he doesn't want to have sex, that he leased a brand new car we never should have leased, his temper, his attitude... etc.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I have never left UWaterloo... if I had picked another college, if I chose a different sorority (I never would have met him if I had picked my second choice). Weird to think I had talked to different girls from the other sororities I might have liked them better and never would have met Daniel at the mixer. We used to be the perfect couple... we NEVER fought when we were dating. We never even had disagreements really. After fights and before we make up... well, we never really make up, we just move on. Actually, we never really discuss what has happened and no one ever says they're sorry. I know I don't want to talk to him about it because I don't want to say something that I can't ever take back, because when I'm mad, I'll do that. Well, after a big fight, and this is horrible to say, I picture what I would have to do if I were to leave him. What I would pack up, what I would leave, I'd probably leave lots of stuff and just pack up my car... I don't have much anyway. Then things will get really really good with us and we'll have a great few weeks. Wow, that was a rant. I wish we could say how we really feel on Facebook in our status bar, mine would say:

Why ruin a good relationship with marriage?

I'd like to warn all my engaged friends online, but they won't listen to me... they never do when they're in "love." Or they think that they're relationship will be different. Am I crazy, do other people ever feel like this? Because they sure keep it quiet if they do.

Wow, that was a rant!