I see people post things on Facebook like, "My husband is so sweet, he..." or "I have the best husband in the world..." or "I love you babe, he..." But rarely do I ever think that. I makes me feel like I am missing out on a lot, that or people out there are faking it. Who knows, but what I do know is lately I'm more pissed or angry or frustrated with my husband than I am happy with him. All he does is bitch and whine and complain anymore, I'm so fucking sick of it!!! It has been like this ever since he graduated. He was happy and fun and I loved being around him back when he was in school, but ever since he's had to become a grown up and work full time he's a fucking grumpy old man!!! The first job he had he hated. We bought our house and were renovating it while living at my parents when he just up and quit. WHO DOES THAT?!?! I'm still so mad at him for doing that. Then, he was at Dillard's working with me for almost a year and then was fired... he says for nothing, but I have my doubts. Now, this job he's at, he liked it up until they moved him to a different account. On his old account he loved it because he would take about 10 calls a day and surf the internet or watch movies while he wasn't on a call. Now he's taking help desk calls all day and doesn't have any free time... basically he actually has to WORK now and all he does it complain about it! Awww, poor guy, you have to actually work... SUCK IT UP!!! And because of this, when he complains all it does is make me paranoid that he's just going to up and quit again... I wouldn't stand for that. I know he's 100% jealous that I get to work part time and that I'm going back to school. He says how he can't wait to go back and get his MBA, but he doesn't realize that it's going to be hard for him to get in. He thinks he's so smart, but his GPA sucked when he graduated! It was decent for a normal person, but for someone who wants a graduate degree, I'm pretty sure you need more than a 2.5. I had a 3.2 when I graduated and was paranoid I wouldn't get into my program. He can't stand me being in school.
He was never a touchy feely guy in public, but we used to have sex all the time and cuddle and be sexy... now, we have sex usually once a month. I used to try to seduce him all the time after the sex fizzled out, try to get him to do it most nights, but he never wanted to. Now that I'm on Zoloft, thank god it has killed my sex drive, because I don't care anymore. Maybe he should take some of my medication. He needs it, he was diagnosed bipolar when he was a kid... he needs to fucking lighten up!
I get excited thinking about starting a family, but in my opinion, once there are kids in this family, I'm invested for life. Once there is a kid, I'm stuck to him forever. I want to wait to see how our life progresses together, but I don't want to wait too long, I'm getting old fast. I think about a baby and how great it would be, and then he does something to piss me off and I think, ugh, do I want to bring a kid into this world around that?! With him?!
So let's sum this up, he resents me for going back to school, that my parents buy us lots of things and are giving us money each month and that I actually like my part-time job. I resent him because he has $30,000 in student loans (even though his Dad paid his tuition), that he guilted me into buying his mom's house so it wouldn't be foreclosed on, that he quit his job and we ran up MY credit card because of it, that he doesn't want to have sex, that he leased a brand new car we never should have leased, his temper, his attitude... etc.
Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I have never left UWaterloo... if I had picked another college, if I chose a different sorority (I never would have met him if I had picked my second choice). Weird to think I had talked to different girls from the other sororities I might have liked them better and never would have met Daniel at the mixer. We used to be the perfect couple... we NEVER fought when we were dating. We never even had disagreements really. After fights and before we make up... well, we never really make up, we just move on. Actually, we never really discuss what has happened and no one ever says they're sorry. I know I don't want to talk to him about it because I don't want to say something that I can't ever take back, because when I'm mad, I'll do that. Well, after a big fight, and this is horrible to say, I picture what I would have to do if I were to leave him. What I would pack up, what I would leave, I'd probably leave lots of stuff and just pack up my car... I don't have much anyway. Then things will get really really good with us and we'll have a great few weeks. Wow, that was a rant. I wish we could say how we really feel on Facebook in our status bar, mine would say:
Why ruin a good relationship with marriage?
I'd like to warn all my engaged friends online, but they won't listen to me... they never do when they're in "love." Or they think that they're relationship will be different. Am I crazy, do other people ever feel like this? Because they sure keep it quiet if they do.
Wow, that was a rant!
:( everyone goes through rough patches every now and then. And everyone fights for sure. Before we were engaged we went through a long stretch of fighting. For us it got a lot better, we got engaged and well you know the rest. But it isn't always perfect, I don't think it's perfect all of the time for any couple.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry your going through this Jilly. But if you feel like this now, it'll be more stress adding kids for sure. At least the baby stage when you have to do absolutely everything for the baby. Jacob has rough days which can make us stressed out, and then short with each other over stupidness. If you already resent him now, it might add more stress.
Can you try doing the things you did together when things were going well? Or maybe talk to someone together, like couples counseling?
If you need to vent you can always dm me lol